Boo the Villians, Cheer the Heroes

The genius of Athol Kay is distilling red pill truth into understandable, memorable, actionable advice on dealing with women. Boo the Villians, Cheer the Heroes reminds us that women need to connect emotionally.

Most women have a need to verbally decompress their day. Which is a fancy way of saying they need to talk when they come from work, or you come home from work when they’ve been home all day. Women tend to be more emotionally fluid than men, and it can often seem to the guy like he’s been dropped into a verbal puking of half a dozen emotions and disconnected storylines. This is just her  clearing her daily event cache.

Before understanding the dynamic, such emotional barrages were quite confusing. Realizing the goal is emotional connection guides you to responding in a way that will meet her emotional need for connection.

The actual solution is to do what I call “Booing the Villians and Cheering the Heroes”. Which is to say you treat it something like watching a TV show with a bag of popcorn, and simply enjoy the show. When good things happen you say “woo-hoo”, when bad things happen you say “that sucks”. Her friend does something good in her story, say “she’s awesome”, and when some bitch does her bitch thing, say “that bitch”.

That’s it. Seriously, that’s about all you have to do. Boo the villians, cheer the heroes.

Concise, succinct, actionable.
Men communicate to convey information.
Women communicate to connect emotionally.

If she is trying to connect emotionally, Boo the villians, cheer the heroes.

Heartiste’s 16 Commandments  of Poon — IX: Connect with her emotions

Set yourself apart from other men and connect with a woman’s emotional landscape. Her mind is an alien world that requires deft navigation to reach your rendevous. Frolic in the surf of emotions rather than the arid desert of logic. Be playful. Employ all your senses. Describe in lush detail scenarios to set her heart afire. Give your feelings freedom to roam. ROAM. Yes, that is a good word. You’re not on a linear path with her. You are ROAMING all over, taking her on an adventure. In this world, there is no need to finish thoughts or draw conclusions. There is only need to EXPERIENCE. You’re grabbing her hand and running with her down an infinite, labyrinthine alleyway with no end, laughing and letting your fingers glide on the cobblestone walls along the way.

Avoid the arid desert of logic — it kills the connection.

Have fun.  Both of you want a fun emotional connection, so make it fun.  Be playful with the booing and cheering.  “The cat threw up on the carpet” —  “Booooo”.  Yes, actually say “Booooo”.  It is a little over the top playful, conveys no attempt to “solve the problem” and validates her emotion that the said thing sucked.

A variation that trips me up on occasion is “I’m exhausted” to which I reply  “Ok, go take a quick nap.”  “No, I don’t have time, I need to do X,Y,Z.”  Dry…arid…logic:  You are tired = go take a nap.  Bzzzzz–Wrong answer.  Her claiming exhaustion is not a complaint or a problem she wants solved.  It is an attempt to connect by sharing her emotional state.  When you hear it as a complaint or a problem to be solved and respond accordingly, it kills her attempt at connection.  You end up confused by her response.  She ends up exhausted and exasperated.  Instead, reflect her emotions back,  “You had a long day,” or give her grief, “pretty rough sitting at the pool all day,” something to engage her emotion.  Badger from the comments:

A male-interest blog (you can google the quotes) had three lines he said one could use to enhance charisma, I think they are applicable here:

-“That must have been {hard/difficult/frustrating/a relief/description of situation}”
-“You must have felt {emotion}”
-“Tell me more.”

People want to be heard, and of all people partners have a real right to expect that from each other; tuning the hearing is what all the arguing is about.

Find something that works for you.

Children when faced with and injury or emotional trauma will often keep it together around strangers until they can find Dad and then have a complete breakdown.  They won’t show their emotions or connect emotionally with strangers, but once they feel protected in your presence they are free to let all the hurt and emotions come pouring out.  While exasperating at times, it indicates that they TRUST you.  They are comfortable expressing their worst hurts, fears and painful emotions — they let the mask drop and let you see the real them.  This makes them venerable.  Remember this.  Reframing to the understanding that unfiltered emotions from anyone is a sign of trust is very empowering.

You are in a position to help them deal with the hurt, anger, frustration, exhaustion… whatever emotion is overwhelming them.  However, you must make the emotional connection first!  “Ohhhh, that looks like it really hurt when you skinned your shin?  (Big Hug) Would you like me to kiss it?”  Emotional decompression follows and a minute later they are off as if nothing happened.   Women are very much like children in this respect. You are in a position to be their rock, but you cannot help them until after the overpowering emotions have dashed against the rock and foamed away.  You help that process by connecting.  Often the very process of venting and connecting dissipates the emotion.  Men follow this pattern too, just less often because emotions don’t overwhelm us as frequently.  However, consider a man consumed with anger.  Good luck with reason.

Another reframe is the unique concept of emotionally undressing your wife.

Just like you have to take your clothes off, you also have to undress your emotions if you’re going to connect sexually…

The need to decompress isn’t limited to women — men need to decompress too, even though it may look different. Since women tend to be more relational then men, it’s not surprising that they decompress by discussing their relationships. Men tend to be more goal-oriented, which means that we decompress by tying up the loose ends of our daily tasks. It takes effort to switch gears when we’re focused on work (or a project), and it’s frustrating to leave a job undone when a good stopping point is in sight.

Men–don’t forget to set boundaries in this process.  Teach your wives to connect emotionally in a productive way (no gossip) and to respect your daily decompression routine as well.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s